Break Ups 2 Make Ups

Wow so it's been a minute since I hit up the old blog. I'm refreshed and renewed, yogafied and content in the best way...but life is not without drama...or maybe it's not worth living without drama. *shrug*

Unbelievable, even to me, is that with all that's happened this past year I, Inciquay, have a romantic dilemma - only without the romance. Get it? Me neither!

As it so happens an ooooooold ex has recently contacted (damn that facebook!) But not just any oooooooold ex, THE oooooooold ex.

This guy was my very first! High school love, virginity giver-upper, pregnancy scare, university lover...you name it, we experienced it in living breathing color. He's met my family - not just my mum, but my damn FAMILY. And there was that embarrassing time that it turned out that my great uncle (true playa fo' real)revealed that he dated homeboy's grandmother!

He taught me how to scratch on his brand new new technics and introduced me to wine when I was learning to be sophis-ti-ma-cated.
He's watched me masturbate! He also bought me a pen for Christmas (because I'm a writer - lame still!) one year when while I had bought him a jacket that took up all my money and was sooo excited to find it for him. And now he's back in my life and I don't even know what to do.
Our first conversation, after a bevy of texts, was stilted and I could barely get the hostility out of my voice.
See the facts are this, we did all the aforementioned and then we broke up for good... or so I thought. I went off to university and he stayed behind only to call on me the summer of my first year back in town. I entertained the notion of a reunion against the better judgment of every fibre of my being...and I shoulda damn well listened. He wore me down, got me back, had sex with me and then dumped my ass like Britney and an empty frappuccino cup..
I remember the day he told me he didn't love me like it was yesterday and I remember being glad for wearing rollerblades because I was able to make a hasty escape. I think I got half-way across the city in 5 minutes flat, I was so angry a myself for falling for his shit. Mind you as they days waned I realized I was waaay waaay more angry for allowing him to be in the position to dump me more than I was for us no longer being together. I ended up shrugging off the relationship like so many irritating lace bras and kept on steppin'.
But now more than a decade later he has come back into my life yet again. For what purpose, I don't know but I can't help being wary. He knows I was sick and I hate that.
I've actually been looking forward to his messages. I hate that even more. And if he doesn't message me I feel degected. I hate that most of all.

I'm not the girl he knew in high school. I'm not the girl I was last year, but dammit if he can't still get in my head and chew holes as big as Lebron James' gaping mouth on the cover of Vogue. I can actually feel myself being drug in to him all the while kicking and screaming and clawing at the ground to stop and it's not working.

Can it all be so simple that I had to live this crazy life to come full circle and back into the arms of my first love?
But wait - has he mentioned anything remotely romantic? NO. But as Sojourner said, ain't I a woman?!

I feel like if he's back to tell me he's married or dying or or some other dramatic/tragic happenstance then he would have damn well shit or gotten off the pot by now. Shit I came close to dying - we can bond on that ;-)
He's slipped some innuendo in his texts that are not even PG 13 though so maybe he's aiight healthwise. The more I think it about it it bothers me both because I don't know the answer and the fact that I'm thinking about him in the first place.
Do I really still have feelings for this/his ass? Or am i just entertaining it cuz it's been a minute since I've had my ass rubbed? He's an ex for a reason right?
Vulnerability is not my thang.