The Ultimate No-Fail Excuse To Get Outta Work

Who knew that this new job would give me so much fodder to blog about? Ok maybe I knew, but I didn’t think it’d be this fast and sure as hell didn’t think it’d be about my coworkers before the imbecile kiddies with sad fake i.d’s. here on out to save my ass from the powers that be, I’ll be referring to my second job as the Likka Sto’. No real names. No locations. Just pure funny.

So have you ever tried to get outta work by telling your boss that you’ve come down with something really gross to throw them off? Or for girls, use your period as an excuse to get outta class and shit, especially if you have a male teacher? The idea is that the more disgusting and/or embarrassing the problem the less likely questions will be asked, doctors notes will be needed, etc.
Well I thought I had heard it all until tha otha day…HA!

This chick in my sto’, I’ll call her Tilly, went to the manager and told him that she couldn’t lift anything heavy or stand up for too long for the next month because WHEN HER AND HER MAN HAVE SEX HE’S SO ROUGH WITH HER THAT HE TORE HER UP!

TORE. HER. UP.

I mean homegirl was getting into such extreme detail she even used hand gestures. HAND GESTURES! LMAO!
Make an “O” with one hand and then take the index finger of your other hand and poke it inside that “O”. Seriously.
She was throwing around words like cervix, and vagina, and penis, and RIP.
She was pantomiming, panting, and generally acting like the biggest slut in the world.
This is how the conversation went (right hand high):
“My boyfriend is just so rough with me when we’re having sex lately and, and, his penis is so big that right in the middle of us having sex suddenly I was like “OWWW OW OWWW OWWWW” and oh my God it hurt so bad. It’s been like that for a while but I just went to the doctor today and he told me that my vagina is all ripped up and now I can’t bend over or lift anything for a month.” You know when your penis hits the back of the wall, like the cervix…”
Ewwww.

You shoulda seen the looks on the faces of the manager and his assistant. These boys’ mouths were dropped open, eyes wide, fear palpable. Both are married, both have kids, but they don’t wanna hear that fuckin’ shit from their wives let alone the chick in the sto’! I felt bad for them. SMDH.

What was I doing at the time? I was innocently signing in for the day and checkin’ the schedule for my next shifts. I didn’t even really notice the 3 of them at first but then outta the corner of my eye I could see one dude’s mouth just drop and the look of sheer terror in his eyes was enough to have my ear tune into the “conversation” Tilly was havin’. I think he was even more embarrassed that I overheard them being told this incredibly personal story of genitalia.

Tilly didn't have a doctor's note either btu I guess with a story like dat she didn't need one. It's not like the manager s were gonna ask for more details.

I don’t know what the purpose was in telling them such graphic details of her sex life though. Like I get wanting to have a good excuse to do shit all at work and making it sound real but no way am I talkin to my manager about my ginny! I also don’t know why she said it was her boyfriend that did it to her, since according to her, they’ve been broken up since early summer.
I do know that yestaday I noticed a sexual harassment book in her mail slot. BWAHAHAHA
Which I guess, is the only way the manager has to deal with a silly bitch like this. This chick is dangerous. She’s slutty and wants to be sharing the details with her male bosses? I think she kinda got off on it! What’s next? Oh. Hell. No.

Thank God she was a White girl. I mean we colored girls as a rule don’t talk that shit in public anyway, but every once in while ya just gotta heave a sigh of relief that these Becky’s always find new ways of showing how slutty they are even though they try to perpetrate a façade that butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths. People like to think that Black girls are raunchy sex machines, always hot and ready. Apparently Tilly didn’t get the memo. Or maybe she did and she’s just trying to out-raunch us in some kinda slutty pissing match (that’s sounds dirty in and of itself – LOL). Well played girl, well played.