Plus I Run

A couple of days ago was gorgeous outside so I did what any other self-respecting city girl would do and strapped on my rollerblades and headed out onto the open bike path. I've only used my blades once before [this season] so I impressed myself by doing my old route of 7 miles, ending in Etobicoke. I ain't gonna lie though: it was tougher than I remembered. There's a hill just at the bottom of Dowling Ave. in Marilyn Bell Park that is a total rush - like crazy exhilarating- to go down. It's like free falling with blades on. You don't even have to move your legs, just let the slope carry you away to the the tennis club below. Going back up this hill however? Not exhilarating. Fucking balls man! My quads, my calves, my lungs, everything in my body was tight as I tried to maneuver back up the hill without looking like it was killing me. This is key because traffic is right (I mean RIGHT) beside you. So people in cars who are stuck in said traffic have nothing better to do than gawk out their windows at the chubby chick with her ass poked out scrambling up a hill that others are simultaneously relishing gliding down. I am no longer a smoker but damn I can feel what it did to my lung capacity. I used to rule this hill!

I've been trying to kick my ass to the gym as often as I can lately and I can't say that it always works. But what works as supreme motivation is the idea that I am no longer fit enough to do something I used to do with ease. This makes my competitive streak flare up, even if I'm only competing against myself. The past 3 gym visits I've added running intervals to my routine. Running! Me! I haven't run with any serious intentions since I was 17 and even then I was a sprinter (OFSAA champion 2x baby!) not a long distance runner. This is changing. My fat Black ass is prepared to become a runner so that I can show this hill what for. I have been studying joggers all over the city and some of them are downright slow. This pleases me to no end. When I see one of these slow joggers I can't help but grin and think, "damn, even I can run faster than that!"
This is a lie. To be true I'd have to be, say, running to catch a streetcar (which I would never do) for a block, but give me a few blocks or 8 continuous minutes of running - even slowly- and I start cursing, then gasping, then holding my side to thwart the oncoming stitch.

I can walk 10 miles without breaking a sweat. I can blade 7 miles easy peasy lemon squeazy. I can swim laps like nobodies business. But dammit if running is giving me [pardon the pun] a run for my money. I've never in my adult life had any vested interest in the sport. I toyed with the idea, like anyone else, when I saw some sprightly White girl bounce by looking refreshed and serene while her endorphins floated her home. But suddenly I am deteremined. Mark my words: soon enough my intervals will get longer and eventually (the goal is by the end of the summer) I will be running in one long continuous 30 minute loop. I'll keep up the blading and continue my yoga Wednesdays (another surprise new love). No I won't ever become one of those crazy marathoners sucking down carbo loaded gels and wearing 4 bottles of water around my waist but I'll be able to run blocks without collapsing, improve my physicality, and outrun some of these old ladies jogging in front of my building ;-)

Yep. He's an Ex for a Reason Alright.

I'm pissed to level 7 of pissivity. And I'm especially mad that I'm pissed because I shouldn't give a damn but this is the kind of emotion the Ex inspires in me.
A while ago I wrote about about how an Ex and I were tentatively testing the waters of reconciliation. Well that worked out about as well as Remy Ma's "I accidentally shot her" defence.
I'm not stupid. I realized he was just as shitty a person as before (12 years ago!) when after a very lackluster evening of unsatisfying sex (for me apparently but not him!) I woke up the next morning to find him surfing for porn on his laptop. Shit, I'm no prude; I like sexy images as much as the next girl. I can let my freak flag fly... but the morning after is not really the time for introducing porn into a fresh crack at a relationship. I sat there mutely staring daggers at him for a good twenty minutes while he surfed before he finally decided it was "a bit" rude. At once I remembered how relieved I had been when we broke up that last time. Clearly time had made me forget how bad he was at making me cum, making me laugh, and making me happy.

Strike ONE
I decided to keep my distance for a while...and then one day he calls me after work. We have some silly conversation about music and shit and I say something like, "I love Curtis Mayfield I just bought his box set at Christmas".
And the Ex says, "oh then you must love the the Dramatics."
I wasn't quite sure what one had to do with the other so I said "no". He told me that the Dramatics were Mayfield's first group and that if I like him, I should like them. I didn't know that so I simply said I wasn't aware of any Dramatics songs on the box set.

The next day at work I get a text message [yes, I still have the dialogue on my phone] that read:
If u knew it was the Impressions why didn't u just correct me? When I said Dramatics...WTF

Not really taking it seriously, I wrote back, Good morning to you too!

He responded:
I just don't like it when people find ignorance amusing or cute...Especially my own! Good Morning! TTYL

I fired off a missive asking if he was really getting pissed over some stupid music trivia. and His response was thus:
Yeah it was just "stupid music trivia" and you used my ignorance as an opportunity to be condescending! good one...I I probably had it comin! But no one likes feeling patronized... : )

Ohmygawd what a fucking freak! I was so furious I called his ass and bitched him out for acting like a nut job.

Strike TWO
A few days later he called me and asked me to brunch. Bored, I decided to accept. I told him I wasn't showered yet and to take his time coming to get me so that I could get ready. Four hours later I call him to askwhere the hell he is and he tells me that he's with a friend (a guy he knows I've hated with a passion since high school) and that they've actually already eaten brunch together. WOW. I was enraged! Not only that, but they were in Parkdale still a good 45 minute walk over to where I live and obviously taking their sweet ass time. The Ex could not for the life of him figure out why I was pissed *sigh* again. His defense being that I told him to take his time. It's not his fault that him and his friend got hungry before they could meet me! As I was yelling into the phone at the top of my lungs what a fucking inconsiderate jerk he was, I had a sudden sense of deja vu and realized that without us even getting back together he was already making the vein in my forehead throb. I wanted to go all Samuel L. Jackson on his ass and strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger!

Strike THREE
It's been about 6/7 weeks now and I thought by not contacting him he'd get the hint that we no longer have anything to rehash. I can barely be civil with him on the phone. Part of me has been mildly amused that he hasn't called me either but my brain keeps telling me this is a good thing. Which of course means that he called today! First of all, he called three times within 30 minutes. he finally leaves a message asking me to call him as soon as I get the message. I wait an hour before letting my curiosity get the better of me. When I call he tells me he's at work and wants to call me later. Um, OK fucker. He calls me only to tell me he wants to talk later? What if I had answered my phone during his original call? I can't tolerate games and bullshit. I'm 31 years old dammit. I hang up on him mid sentence, telling me he'll call at 6ish.
He just called back to find out what's up with me lately "stranger". He tells me he's moving at the end of the month to a place slightly closer to me and that both his landlord buddy, and his brunch date buddy are going away around the same time...so he "needs some friends"! Yes he actually said that!! Oh so I'm the go-to girl when his friends all desert him and there's no more good times to be had alone. Nice. What flattery! This guy should write Hallmark cards: I'm alone, so now I want you could be a sell-out message. I called him on this, but of course he denied it. Then I dropped the I'm involved with someone else now bomb. Silence. Yes. Miraculously, Inciquay in all her voluptuous glory has found another much more tolerable, much more attentive, much more attractive guy to date her. He takes her out, he treats her nice, and most importantly he wants to be with her and proves it everyday (in a non-irritating/smothering way of course ;-))

Sorry Ex darling. You are out...for good this time!
I won't even get into how this fool told me he lost $5000 in a pyramid scheme and is now a conspiracy theorist nut! He wanted me to get a salt lamp and a qlink necklace to ward off evil and/or radioactive waves! BWAAHAHAHAHA

Shoulda damn well listened to Miz JJ!

Have We Lost Our Bloodlust For Injustice?

The whole Sean Bell affair had me thinking about how we as a people react to the injustices thrust upon us in this era of ultra p.c. attitudes talkin' 'bout "there's no race problem". Have we become so used to shit that we roll over and hit snooze whenever some new race-based issue rears it's ugly head? There was a time when our parents and grandparents and their parents before them took to the streets like Britney looking for an open gas station. At the slightest inkling of an inappropriate tone in someone's voice. We have been known in the past to be quick with a rallying cry and a fist in the air. I still have that fire in my belly but sadly it seems I am in the minority.

Yeah we got riled up over Imus's comments but ultimately we sat complacently watching the endless round of sound bites from the media nodding our head in agreement about Imus not knowing nuthin' 'bout School Daze, but that was it. We ran our mouths to neighbors and friends but seemingly had no get-up-and-go on the issue. We couldn't even get a boycott of CBS underway. I guess it's a good thing he apologized, opening the door to get his job back... while Isaiah Washington languishes in a new (!) Bow Wow movie. *snort of derision*

It took 2 years for our self-appointed mouthpiece, Al Sharpton, to realize what was going in Jena, LA, and even then only because grassroots organization, Color of Change started circulating petitions and making viral youtube videos. Through no real effort on his part did anything in that case change. It was COC who lived up to their name admirably and organised rallies that finally had the Black community aware - but not only that - had us spring into action...a rare event in this day and age. What has Al done for us lately? Admittedly his organization (National Action Network) has provided attorneys for the Bell family but when did Al shy away from putting some money on the right issue to make sure he has an opportunity to be front and centre for the press?

He claims he'll return in the coming week “to plan the day that we will close this city down,” with some sort of massive display of civil disobedience - hope he can get more than the 50 angry people who showed up to hear him exclaim this. I agree with Lauren Williams of Stereohyped when she says:Al Sharpton threatening to shut NYC
holds the same innocuous menace as Heathcliff Huxtable telling Theo, “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out,” except Sharpton didn’t bring NYC into this world.

Long gone are the days of the Rodney King Uprising in 1992, when we took to the streets, albeit that ended in a most disastrous way, but the passion for justice was alive and well. Even Toronto got in on the action in raising our voices in solidarity over a heinous miscarriage of justice that has seemingly repeated itself with Sean Bell.

The march on Washington, the march from Selma to Montgomery, Tulsa, Detroit, Watts, Rodney King...we were angry and we weren't gonna take it anymore no matter who tried to shut us down.
Now I'm not saying violence is the answer or that a riot is ever in order because of what happened and continues to happen ever single day, but dammit I'm mad as hell that we're such a divisive community nowadays that we can't get it together as a whole to rail against anything anymore. Where are my generations Black Panthers?

In April the Washington Post published an article asking whether civil rights groups such as CORE, SCLC, the National Urban League, and NAACP are still relevant today. Are they? In this every-man-for-himself / don't-hate-the-player-hate-the-game / I'm-just-a-squirrel-in this-world-tryin'-to-get-a-nut/ ballin! /Do-you- era are we letting the legacy of helping ourselves mobilize real change go by the wayside? We're not much better now than we were before these organizations strode to break down barriers, and it seems as if we're satisfied to be dissatisfied with the status quo. Has our generation lost it's zeal for fighting the good fight? Are we so apathetic to getting shit on that we now just keep on walkin' like CeCe Peniston?

How nice it must be for White people to not have to have a website post rules of engagement for tangling with police while White.
What is to be done as a collective community about the purveyance of nooses being brought in for show and tell to offices throughout the States? If you think that could never happen here, don't trip! We are no more a holier than thou society up here in Canada than I am a virgin.

I guess we're all just a bunch of whiny complainers - all talk and no action. After all, the Los Angeles police department just declared that all 320 complaints of racial profiling had no merit whatsoever? And I'm sure the city of LA will shrug their collective shoulders and soldier on to work like nothing ever happened. What else is new about hearing LA cops declare they're never at fault? Nothing.
What are we gonna do about it though? Raise an eyebrow maybe a but a fist? Humph. Hardly. Have we lost our balls?

Ok, yes, I realize I'm ranting and might even be nonsensical right now (me + Vex all day + Fox news on the radio = volatility. Excuse this mess of a post. I'm bitter, like so many Pennsylvanians.

How the Bell Tolls

*sigh*
No surprises that the four cops in the Sean Bell case in NYC got off.
NONE. AT.ALL.

R.I.P Sean Bell
R.I.P Amadou Diallo
R.I.P to the countless Black males who will no doubt get a free pass to that eternal sleep thanks to NYC cops forever and ever amen.

Maybe Senator Clinton can throw down her sword against Obama for a minute and delve into why this keeps happenin' in the state she represents and loves so much...but I'm sure she wouldn't want to play the "race card" and address real issues affecting her constituents and the country she might have led if she didn't try her best to be divisive about the Black race in her bid to be the so-called "leader of the free world".

All I can do is sigh and resign myself to the fact that nothing ever changes. Whites who tell us to get over slavery and that we don't have it nearly as bad as we think we do don't know this kind of apathy and probably never will. It sucks, it hurts and I'm angry to the core but surprised? Never. I expected nothing less.

Break Ups 2 Make Ups

Wow so it's been a minute since I hit up the old blog. I'm refreshed and renewed, yogafied and content in the best way...but life is not without drama...or maybe it's not worth living without drama. *shrug*

Unbelievable, even to me, is that with all that's happened this past year I, Inciquay, have a romantic dilemma - only without the romance. Get it? Me neither!

As it so happens an ooooooold ex has recently contacted (damn that facebook!) But not just any oooooooold ex, THE oooooooold ex.

This guy was my very first! High school love, virginity giver-upper, pregnancy scare, university lover...you name it, we experienced it in living breathing color. He's met my family - not just my mum, but my damn FAMILY. And there was that embarrassing time that it turned out that my great uncle (true playa fo' real)revealed that he dated homeboy's grandmother!

He taught me how to scratch on his brand new new technics and introduced me to wine when I was learning to be sophis-ti-ma-cated.
He's watched me masturbate! He also bought me a pen for Christmas (because I'm a writer - lame still!) one year when while I had bought him a jacket that took up all my money and was sooo excited to find it for him. And now he's back in my life and I don't even know what to do.
Our first conversation, after a bevy of texts, was stilted and I could barely get the hostility out of my voice.
See the facts are this, we did all the aforementioned and then we broke up for good... or so I thought. I went off to university and he stayed behind only to call on me the summer of my first year back in town. I entertained the notion of a reunion against the better judgment of every fibre of my being...and I shoulda damn well listened. He wore me down, got me back, had sex with me and then dumped my ass like Britney and an empty frappuccino cup..
I remember the day he told me he didn't love me like it was yesterday and I remember being glad for wearing rollerblades because I was able to make a hasty escape. I think I got half-way across the city in 5 minutes flat, I was so angry a myself for falling for his shit. Mind you as they days waned I realized I was waaay waaay more angry for allowing him to be in the position to dump me more than I was for us no longer being together. I ended up shrugging off the relationship like so many irritating lace bras and kept on steppin'.
But now more than a decade later he has come back into my life yet again. For what purpose, I don't know but I can't help being wary. He knows I was sick and I hate that.
I've actually been looking forward to his messages. I hate that even more. And if he doesn't message me I feel degected. I hate that most of all.

I'm not the girl he knew in high school. I'm not the girl I was last year, but dammit if he can't still get in my head and chew holes as big as Lebron James' gaping mouth on the cover of Vogue. I can actually feel myself being drug in to him all the while kicking and screaming and clawing at the ground to stop and it's not working.

Can it all be so simple that I had to live this crazy life to come full circle and back into the arms of my first love?
But wait - has he mentioned anything remotely romantic? NO. But as Sojourner said, ain't I a woman?!

I feel like if he's back to tell me he's married or dying or or some other dramatic/tragic happenstance then he would have damn well shit or gotten off the pot by now. Shit I came close to dying - we can bond on that ;-)
He's slipped some innuendo in his texts that are not even PG 13 though so maybe he's aiight healthwise. The more I think it about it it bothers me both because I don't know the answer and the fact that I'm thinking about him in the first place.
Do I really still have feelings for this/his ass? Or am i just entertaining it cuz it's been a minute since I've had my ass rubbed? He's an ex for a reason right?
Vulnerability is not my thang.

Canadian is the new Nigger?

Have you seen the news? Apparently racists are using the word Canadian as a substitute for nigger! Canadian!? Apparently in Texas (surprise surprise), assistant district attorney Mike Trent sent a mass email aimed at congratulating a junior prosecutor for winning his case.

He wrote: "He overcame a subversively good defence by Matt Hennessey that had some Canadians on the jury feeling sorry for the defendant and forced them to do the right thing."

Apparently, even though everyone who received the message knew there to be no Canadians on the jury, no one questioned the e-mail. I guess it's just a well known racist switcheroo tactic down in Texas. According to the article it's listed in the online Racial Slurs Database so I checked it out and, yep, there it is:

Slur Represents Reasons/Origins
Canadian Blacks Used as a masked replacement for 'Nigger.'

In his defence, Trent said that he honestly believed there to be Canadians on the jury and that he didn't understand the negative connotation of the word. Reminder: he's the assistant district attorney for Texas State.

Below is the statute which covers qualification to serve as a juror. It is as follows:

Sec. 1307a.(1) To qualify as a juror a person shall:
(a) Be a citizen of the United States, 18 years of age or older, and a resident in the county for which the person is selected, and in the case of a district court in districts of the second and third class, be a resident of the district, and in the case of municipal courts of record, be a resident of the municipality.

(b) Be conversant with the English language.

(c) Be physically and mentally able to carry out the functions of a juror. Temporary inability shall not be considered a disqualification.

(d) Not have served as a petit or grand juror in a court of record during the preceding 12 months.

(e) Not be under sentence for a felony at the time of jury selection.

(2) A person more than 70 years of age may claim exemption from jury service and shall be exempt upon making the request.

(3) For the purposes of sections 1371 to 1376 a person has served as a juror if that person has been paid for jury service.

It's the first damn one!
Hmmm, a DA who doesn't know that only Americans can sit on American juries?

"There is a double meaning to that word and I didn't know it. I was horrified when I learned what it was, and I immediately addressed the issue with the people who brought it up," Trent told a local Fox News reporter in a recent interview.
"I'd never heard of Canadian being used as a term for a black person or for a racial slur," he said.
"If I had, I would never send that out in an office-wide e-mail that's going to go to people who are going to be offended if they recognize it as such. That would be crazy.... I'm not a racist. I'm not a bigot," Mr. Trent said.
It would not be impossible or unusual for people from other countries to be on our juries," he said. "That's what I was told, and I took it as the literal meaning."

*insert sarcasm* I imagine Texas has a lot of transplanted Canadians...and even though the DA would be keenly aware of exactly who each juror is and where they're from (c'mon who hasn't read The Runaway Jury), since there is the process of jury selection at the beginning of the trial. Yep. I'm satisfied that this educated prosecutor in Texas, where racism is a thing of the past, knew-not what he wrote. He was a victim of naivety.

In the National Post they dig further, actually finding a Black former chief prosecutor and colleague of Trent's, to go on the record and validate his non-racism.
They even get a linguistics professor to speculate as to why Canadians has become the new choice for covert racism. His deduction is not really one at all, merely repeating that we're replacing a word that's "no-longer tolerated" because we're outsiders too.

This doesn't bother me in the least though, in fact I kinda dig it. Tthis could change the face of hip hop as we know it. Will Lil' Wayne start talkin' about Canadians all up in his jail cell?
Will the Crips gang sign be obliterated by the one-love proliferation of "Canadian" pride?
Will it change the way I listen to the national anthem from now on?

"Oh, nigger, we stand on guard for thee"

Sheeet, we're the biggest Canadians going since we're Black and actually livin' in Canada...does that make us Supreme Canadians? Can we come up with a gang sign for that? Or maybe when Canadians meet up with Black Canadians we can throw signs and hiss to show our dominance over ordinary Canadians! Mind you, it's kinda bulky, the word Canadian. 4 syllables is a lot for an American to master ;-) and it doesn't rhyme as well as it could. Aw man the dilemmas of being a Canadian Canadian. I'm willing to go with it though. Mike Trent you have opened this Canadian Canadian's eyes and I am gratefull.

See you on the flip side, my Canadian. *hisssssssssssssssssssss*

Funny story: I was working at the hall and the programming director had given me a DVD of Oscar Peterson live in Vienna with his picture as seen above. A co-worker comes into the office – in a concert hall known for both it’s jazz and classical events - and asks me if that was a picture of my grandfather. This had me rolling both because my grandfather, a jazz loving trumpeter, would have been tickled but also because it was a damn DVD…of Oscar Peterson for chrissakes! Who doesn’t know who Oscar Peterson is?? And if I had a granddad with a DVD I sure as shit wouldn’t have been working there! LMBAO!

They had a tribute to the jazz giant, who died on December 23rd of kidney failure, the other day at my old job, that same concert hall, and what a fitting tribute it was. Oscar would have commanded jazz greats from all over the world to come out in support of him anyway but there’s no doubt in my mind that because of the International Association for Jazz Education (IAJE) holding its 30th Annual Conference in Toronto, we were blessed with a who’s who of jazz that probably would have sent their praises in beautiful press releases instead. Actually I take that back, Herbie Hancock might have made the trek up here since he is a mainstay at Massey Hall almost yearly.

Just days before he died, in fact, the jazz world was a buzz about the symposium and the fact that Oscar Peterson would be the guest of honor and President's Award recipient. I’m not mad at anyone who would rather grieve form the comforts of their homes, most likely in warmer climates, than come all the way up to Canada in the middle of winter, but how nice it was to see them parade into the grand hall.

Nancy Wilson looks like she’s my mom’s age (who incidentally looks 20 years younger herself)! Her crown rich cocoa skin would put some girls my own age to shame , it was so unlined. The one namers like Quincy, Herbie, and a Stevie (in a taped segment), sat next to the likes of Monty Alexander, Gregory Charles, and Hillary Kole, celebrating Canada’s jazz man in a free concert that was packed to the rafters. It was so very fitting.

Canada likes to sweep our racism under the rug but I remember the stories of Oscar Peterson’s neighbors circulating a petition against him moving into their tony cul-de-sac many years ago after already being hailed as Canada’s premier musician. And only last year, people like to forget, kids (!) were driving past his home hurling racial taunts and insults. Oh Canada indeed.